How to know if you are marriage material.
Hello everyone, welcome back to my blog. Are you a returning reader? Thank you for your consistency. Are you a first-timer? You are absolutely welcome to my super awesome faith and lifestyle blog. I pray that all your heart desires are met and may the last 4 months of 2019 bring about ease and greatness all around you. I love you and I’m happy you clicked on my link. So today I am talking about being a catch!
Are you marriage material?
I know we want to marry the greatest person in the world that will sweep us of our feet and fulfil our heart desires. For the ladies, he has to be tall, handsome, with deep pockets, has swag, kind, loving, generous and the whole shebang. While the men want a beautiful woman endowed in all the right places, fine face, nice voice, kind, caring, prayerful, can cook and some other things. I have seen some checklists or prerequisites put together by some men and women that blows my mind. We get so obsessed with what we desire in our future partners that we never stop to see if we are even desirable. You are probably thinking Bibi I know I'm a spec, the focus should be on the other person. I can’t settle for less than I deserve.
What do you deserve?
Men, because you have a good-paying job, a nice car and a decent apartment. That does not make you marriage material. I know in our African culture; these things are what makes you ready for marriage. But nope! That is not it. Your ability to provide is important but it does not make you marriage material. Money is not equivalent to emotional intelligence or emotional availability.
Ladies, because you can cook, clean and can care for children does not make you marriage material. I know our African culture; these are the markers for a woman being "ripe for marriage". I’m sorry to burst your bubble. Cooking is not equivalent to conflict resolution skills.
Below is a self-introspection checklist to see if you are marriage material.
Do I know the purpose of marriage?
Myles Munroe once said “We will never obtain God’s kind of marriage simply by going along with the crowd, doing what everybody else does. We have to dig deep into the heart of God to discover His principles.”
Hollywood shows us that two people love each other so much, the next thing to do is get married. We adopt that as the purpose of marriage, to express love and commitment to one another. To an extent, the expression of love and commitment to one another is part of the purpose of marriage. However, as a believer, it is so much more. The institution of marriage was designed to mirror God’s unconditional love for us.
Ask yourself, can I love somebody’s son or daughter the way God loves me? Keeping in mind that He loves you so much that He died for you even when you were a sinner and didn’t care about Him. (Romans 5:8)
Ask yourself, am I ready to keep loving and loving and loving and loving and loving even if my wife or husband does not give back love? Can I love in a manner that is not conditional on if the person reciprocates?
There are more deep questions to ask yourself and seek answers in the scriptures. Marriage is so much more than a lovey-dovey feeling that you want to keep feeling for the rest of your life. It is constant forgiveness., constant giving, constant caring that is independent of the action of the other party. You don't get to leave a marriage because you are tired of giving.
Do I have sense?
This one is extremely hilarious because we all think we have sense until something happens and exposes our lack of common sense. It is okay to admit that you don’t know it all and even some of the things you know are wrong. You have to be open to learning, re-learning and unlearning. You can’t stick to “this is what I know and I am not interested in anything else”, you have to be very teachable. It is not a sign of weakness to admit that you don’t know somethings and you are open to learning. For example, some women don’t know that men have emotions too. They may even say please don’t cry, men don’t cry. That is not a very sensible statement, is it? If you see a man that shows vulnerability and emotions, take it as a chance to unlearn your preconceived notion about men being stoic all the time.
How are my conflict resolution skills? How am I when I get angry?
Marriage is about two people together forever. Even those that were raised by the same parents, from the same city and have matching similarities have disagreements not to talk of two people that are from different backgrounds, have different experiences and are choosing to live together forever. It is not rocket science; conflicts will come up.
Do you raise your voice when trying to pass across a point? Do you use abusive words to express yourself and frustrations? Do you express yourself through physical actions when angry? Do you just get silent and ignore the other person for days, weeks or even months? Do you rush to call an external party to fix the situation?
All these things are toxic conflict resolution skills. Study yourself and be truthful. Recognize that you are imperfect and you need to work on yourself through God’s grace. Question your emotional intelligence! Can you let things go or ignore things or would you rather make a point about it?
Am I ready to leave and cleave?
If you look in the scriptures, the instruction to leave and cleave was given to the man (Genesis 2:21). Sometimes we think the instruction is for women because we leave our parents’ home when we get married. This may trigger you but do you know that your family (man and wife with or without children) is now more important than the family you came out from.
Are you mentally, physically and emotionally ready to leave your parents and cleave to your spouse? This one applies to men the most because I’ve seen men compare their wives to their mothers and it begs this question, why didn’t you just remain in your mother’s house rather than marry this woman if you know you will be acting silly. You married a woman, choose and let her know that she is your choice. Let her know that you will never place any other woman above her even your mother. Yes, I said what I said. Forget about sentiments and emotional attachment, the marriage covenant is very strong. Power has changed hands; your family is your primary obligation. P.S I am not saying you should dishonour your parents, apply wisdom in all things.
Do I have unresolved baggage?
This is a major one. Many people are walking around with scars and trauma’s that they’ve never spoken about. This is just like a heavy burden on them. It could be sexual molestation as a child, huge betrayal by an ex, the guilt of an abortion, victim of rape, parental neglect or abuse and many more. These things are real. If they are not addressed, healing is impossible. You can’t keep sweeping it under the carpet because you are not ready to explore the pain that comes with it. Look at what Jesus says about burdens and baggage:
Matthew 11:28-30 (AMPC) 28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will [a]ease and relieve and [b]refresh [c]your souls.] 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest ([d]relief and ease and refreshment and [e]recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls. 30 For My yoke is wholesome (useful, [f]good—not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne.
Take all that baggage and lay it at the master’s feet. He is able to heal your broken heart. He is willing to take the burden off you, He wants to relieve of you the pain, the anguish, the trauma of your experience. He wants to refresh you. He wants you to help you be free indeed. Accept Him into all corners of your heart, don’t tell Him that the baggage is off limit for Him. Let Him take the heavy baggage and give you rest. You deserve rest and your future partner deserves rest too. Don’t take baggage into marriage, it is unfair to everyone involved.
Am I purpose-driven?
God has a plan and purpose for every one of His children. You were not placed on earth to only get an education, get married and have children. Before you were formed in your mother’s womb, He placed a calling on your life that cannot be taken from you (Romans 11:29). There’s a reason why you are here and you have to start working on the path. Be led by the Holy Spirit when you make decisions, pray to always remain in God’s path for your life, ask God to reveal to you why you were born and what He wants you to do.
God is not a man that will lie! The person that He desires for you to marry will be your purpose partner. Maybe it’s in the place of purpose you will meet this person, who knows? Just live a purpose-driven life. Don’t waste any more time seeking the things that are not of God’s kingdom, seek Him first. Start the journey of glorifying God intentionally. Don’t seek marriage more than you seek God. Don’t make the pursuit of getting a great spouse become an idol that you serve.
- Do I know how to forgive or do I cut people off easily?
- Am I truly emotionally available?
- Am I selfish?
- Am I dealing with lustful desires?
- Why do I want a wife or a husband? Is it to fill a gap inside of me? (P.S Jesus is the only one that can fill gaps)
- Do I deserve the person I desire?
This brings me to the end of my post today. It is okay to understand that we are human beings that don’t have it all figured out. However, these things I have listed is a good place to analyze if you are marriage material as a believer. You don’t have to agree with all I have said, that’s okay. Start the introspection process today and watch yourself grow and blossom into a better version of you. Surrender to Jesus and commit all that you are to Him, He will bless you with your heart desires that align with God’s purpose for your life.
“Most of us spend too much time on what is urgent and not enough time on what is important.” ― Stephen R. Covey