Toxic relationships (Storytime)
Let me first start by saying
happy new month! It is my birth month and I am so excited to be turning 25.
Please say a prayer for me as I celebrate a quarter of a decade on earth on
August 4. God bless you all richly. I did a poll on social media asking if I
should do a post on toxic relationships and 86% said yes, 0% said no and 14%
said they really don’t care. I appreciate your honesty if you are reading this
God bless you.
So where do I start from? Remember
my storytime about how I go my battle scars? I talked about how being in a
phase of low self-esteem led me to a place of dating someone that was wrong for
me. You can find this post here.
What does a toxic relationship mean?
I found this definition here.
A toxic relationship is a relationship characterized by behaviours on the part of the toxic partner that
are emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging to their partner.
While a healthy relationship contributes to our self-esteem and emotional
energy, a toxic relationship damages self-esteem and drains energy. A toxic
relationship, on the other hand, is not a safe place. A toxic relationship is
characterized by insecurity, self-centeredness, dominance, control.
Story Time
So I met this guy through a friend
the year I was doing my NYSC in Lagos. He had a good job and was interested in
dating me. In the midst of all my issues, I agreed to date him. Oh everyone
liked this guy. Everyone said he was great for me because he was
“good looking”, tall and dark skin. The perfect combination right? But I knew
what I was facing in the relationship. He was very controlling and domineering,
God forbid I expressed my opinion, it will be met with insults. It was very
unusual. He will say stuff like “You are a very stupid woman” in-between
disagreements, that is not okay to say to anyone. If we had a fight and I was
fronting, he would say stuff like “It’s not like you are Beyoncé” as a way of
telling me to behave.
Please ask me why I still stayed
in that kind of toxic relationship? I was in a low place. He
enjoyed putting me down, he was very excited about it. He once told me he showed
his mum a picture of me and she disapproved of my size. I felt bad but he said
it to me over and over again at different times just to get a reaction from me.
Whew! I finally got freedom when I went to get my masters degree and met new
friends that were neutral about the relationship. He was insisting that I come
home after the degree to get married to him. LOL. I’m glad that did not happen.
The relocation was a great time
in my life, I had found freedom of expression. I tried to date him for about 6
months after that but it was always fights, arguments and more red flags that
showed that I was in a toxic relationship. I was growing wings that he couldn’t
clip because I became an independent adult and I was geographically far from
him. He never took my advice about anything and he was very good at being right
all the time. I was a young naïve girl battling with my own self-esteem issues,
the relationship was draining me. I finally broke things off and he said a lot
of mean things along the lines of me never being his choice, he was only
managing me because a friend introduced him too. I remember crying the day I
broke it off not because I was sad or pained, LOL. I just did it because it was
the “normal” thing to do after a breakup. I was happy to be free!
Why have I shared this story?
I shared this personal and
private part of me because I know that sometimes we embrace toxicity in
relationships because of certain things. We may be afraid of being alone,
afraid of starting over or afraid of losing the benefits we get from the toxic partner or friend. However, your total well-being is important and
you deserve better. A broken friendship/relationship/engagement is way better
than a toxic one.
Imagine, you are planning to spend the rest of your life with
a person that does not help build you. In life, you will have many obstacles in
your career, your ministry and other places; your life partner should be your
biggest supporter and encourager. You can’t be fighting outside and come back
into the house to fight with the one person that is meant to be by your side
through thick and thin.
Sometimes I sit back and try to
imagine my life with this ex of mine. Firstly, bibilamour04.com will not exist.
I won’t have the mental capacity to write out things about Jesus as
passionately as I do. My current partner plays a major role in sharpening my
iron for Jesus. I may have ended up in a marriage where the mother was of the
opinion that I was not good enough for her child. Honestly, who knows what may have happened. I
know for a fact that I may have fallen into depression and merely existed in
this world rather than live life to the fullest. But Jesus is so intentional
about me and He is about you too.
Ladies and gentlemen, God did not
create you to manage life. One of the most important reasons why we are on
earth is to fulfil a purpose. Is life not better being with a purpose partner
rather than a thorn in your flesh? Please, no matter the things they give you
or the satisfaction you feel with being in a relationship, a toxic relationship
is very close to a death sentence. I know people may be thinking you look
perfect together, they probably comment “God when” on your social media pictures.
You are the one in the relationship suffering from emotional trauma’s that may
take years of therapy to go through or intervention from God. I have lived
that life before and I can tell you that the grass is different on the other
side. The side of a healthy relationship.
God has given us a template of
love that will develop healthy relationships. We need to use this template to
examine our lives constantly. When you hold yourself accountable to what love
is, it helps create what you are looking for in a potential partner. This also
applies to friendships!
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (MSG)
Love never gives up
Love cares more for others than for self
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have
Love doesn’t strut
Doesn’t have a swelled head
Doesn’t force itself on others
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Stop pronouncing words like “I
never want to get married”, “All men are scum”, "Women don't want a broke guy like me" and the likes over your life. As
a believer, your word carries weight in the spirit. Your words are prophecies
over your life. Don’t use your mouth to enact evil over yourself because of
your past experiences. Heartbreak, disappointments, betrayal and the likes
hurt. I know they hurt. But you are deserving of all the love in the world. God
is still very intentional about you. Be intentional about yourself and your
future. Begin to prophesy greater things into your life daily.
Please do not settle because of
boredom or availability. Be intentional! Marriage is forever and God will
always come through for His own. Keep speaking words into your life, keep
making your desires known to God. Most importantly, keep trusting God. Don’t
accept external pressure from anybody, let them know God is working for you.
Most importantly, enjoy your
single-phase! All those things you have been keeping until your woman or man
comes, start doing them now. You have to enjoy the life you have, don’t wait.
Live passionately! Singleness is not a punishment for past sins, neither is marriage a reward for good behaviour. Life is all about phases, enjoy this phase and stop viewing being single as a limitation.
Here are some prayers for your
future spouse that I put together to help create who you want to end up with. (Prayers
for your future spouse).
“Sometimes It's Better to End Something & Try to Start Something
New Than Imprison Yourself in Hoping for the Impossible.” - Karen
Salmansohn
With love,
Bibi
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