Let’s talk: Red flags and Deal breakers

by Ogor Ben-Iweagwu 

Hi everyone, I trust we’re doing well. I am so excited for today’s blog entry, it is by one wonderful woman I love and respect deeply. She is Christ-centered and Holy Spirit-filled. Each time I talk to her, I just have to take notes because she drops gems constantly. If you watched #TSPRecap last Saturday on my Instagram live you definitely know what I’m talking about.

So, this post is primarily targeted to my sisters in Christ but I believe it applies to single men as well. Sorry, I’m not biased, I promise. 

Anyways, please read and be blessed! 

On relationships and red flags, 

There should be a baseline of the type of man you must allow yourself to invest your emotions in. It is not every type of man (even within the body of Christ) you should invest your emotions in. Being single is a gift (Bibi has talked about this here). You get to choose who you need to invest in. 

Here is something we need to explore together, girl to girl:

What’s your baseline? 

• Is it because you are lonely? 
• Or is it because he has money?
• Or is it because he is sweet-talking? 
• Or because he is light skin or Chocolate?
• Or he has swag?

Are the fruits of the spirit EVIDENT in his life? Both public and private?

Honestly, it could just be because he is very persistent. He does not give up and no one else is on your case at the point in time so he begins to look desirable even though you know you can and should can do better. Interestingly, your friends and family will add their opinions and market him to you by saying “He really likes you”. Yeah, he does but is that really an important determinant to date him?

Very often we see some things and we want to ignore it because our ‘cultural bent’ as women is to be able to ‘take it’ in that sense. “Take it, you’re not getting any younger”, “Take it, the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know”, “Take it, the world is now 7 women to 1 man, even the bible attests to this fact”. 

But guess what? I call bull on all of this because being single still remains a gift, it’s all about your perspective.

Honestly, when you are single you have the ‘lay of the land.’ You can like many people at the same time until you decide to commit. Sometimes we get into relationships because of pressure we put on ourselves or the pressure we allow society put on us. Why is desperation even in a woman’s dictionary? Okay, “I’m 30 hence if I don’t latch on to a man I will miss it for life”, relax sis. Don’t latch on just anything.

If you don’t like him you don’t like him, period. No buts, ifs or maybes. No, you’re not too rigid. If he gives you an off feeling he gives you an off feeling! Ask all the people that have been in a wrong relationship, the off feeling was there but they shook it off until it ended in tears. 

Let’s talk about red flags for a minute.

A red flag could mean either a literal flag used for signalling or, as a metaphor, a sign of some particular problem requiring attention. Personally, a red flag in a relationship is a thing or things that cause me to feel unease..and danger, or dread. There are some common red flags we should catch e.g persistent lying, stonewalling, gaslighting, stinginess, withholding love, affection, not a follower of Jesus (for believers), being abusive (physically, verbally, emotionally), to name a few.  I’m sure there is more but the gist is that red flags are real!

Some things can be changed, they can actually be worked on, but the person has to actually ACCEPT/AGREE that this thing is wrong/bad and is affecting the quality of life and the relationship, and then make a SOLID COMMITMENT with the help of the Holy Spirit to stop these things. Unless you are really led to be with that person (whatever being led means) ignoring the ‘red flags’ will cost you a lot.

The issue with ignoring red flags is not that we don’t have them. It’s erroneously thinking that not talking about them and not seeing the evidence that this person is working on this, yet expecting these things to magically go away or thinking that if you behave good enough if you ignore and take enough, they will pity you and change. LOL! 

Other things would be like deal-breakers. Things that you really feel like you can’t accept or live with, but please let your deal breakers be inspired by the Holy Spirit. Don’t develop deal breakers on pettiness and unrealistic standards, be led by the Holy Spirit. I know some of our head touches, LOL. A deal-breaker for some people is how he pours water in a cup🙄if he does it with swag or not.  Please, give yourself sense, amen. Christ has been made to you wisdom. 

Common deal breakers would be things like addictions for example drinking, smoking, gambling etc. some people can live with that and some people can’t.

What’s the point of knowing these things? It’s for you to be armed with the right information to make informed decisions. Please veto, even in Christ. You are responsible for who you let in. Don’t say because everyone says he is good, or because he serves in church (but you can’t see the evidence in his life) then you ignore the fact that when he gets upset you cannot go near him but because he loves you and you can take it you stay there without counting the cost, or without him taking any personal responsibility for his actions.

If in doubt, because sometimes you would need another pair of eyes, speak to someone you trust, someone that can hold you accountable, someone probably older and more mature. So that you won’t enter the one that they will have to bring you out of. Take your time before you commit, being single is a gift you need to enjoy. Change your perspective so you don’t make a mistake and fall into the wrong hands.

Thank you!

About the author

Ogor is a total Jesus girl who finds her identity and worth in how much she knows that she is the beloved of God. Certified giver of the best hugs, she loves people and connections. 

You should also know that she is a world-renown, award-winning ‘author’ and ‘drummer’ whose works are only accessible by your proximity to her and a screened access code into the incredible depths of her mind.

She vehemently believes there is more to her than her brilliance as a medical doctor, hence her struggle with being addressed just as "Dr. Ogor". You are advised to only address her that way out of her hearing.

Ogor is also the founder of *JoandLiz*, a logistics/personal shopping/errand services service that provides hassle-free logistics solutions. When she isn’t reading, she is singing her heart out or grabbing as much fun as she can. Other than her mild aversion to phone calls, you can reach her on Instagram @the.omanma, and Twitter @omanma4 .